Look What I Can Do!

Yippee! I can embed YouTube.com videos into my little blog!

I'm getting quite savvy.

My first entry is a parody video of my nemesis, Rachael Ray.

Here are a few reasons I dislike her:

1. Volume: Does this woman have any other volume than off or foghorn level? Seriously, she's way too loud. Her and Ty Pennington should get together and have shouting contests.

2. Intonation: I know voice probably doesn't merit two reasons, but seriously this woman sounds like a strangled goose.

3. Abbreviations: I have not made my dislike of Rachael Ray's abbreviations secret. She calls sandwiches 'sammies'. Who does that? When she says GB I want to throw garbage at her. And stoup has to be the stupidest thing I ever heard of. A stoup being "a cross between a stew and a soup". Stop it! And the most hated: EVOO. Don't know what that means? Don't worry, Rachael will fill you in, Extra Virgin Olive Oil. Tell me, Rachael, what's the point of using an abbreviation if you're going to say what the abbreviation means right afterwards?! You're ridiculous!

4. Herbs: Ok, please stop telling me to wash my herbs and put them in plastic bags when I get home from the store. Normal people don't have time for that shit.

5. 30 Minutes in Rachael Ray World = 45 Minutes In The Real World: Her meals are NOT 30 minute meals. That's a lie.

6. Dessert: Rachael readily admits that she's no baker. Yeah, thanks for the head's up. I think we understood that when we saw you make the 'melted ice cream sauce'. Seriously.

7. Recipe Titles: "You Won't Be Single For Long Vodka Cream Pasta". That's not clever. Or catchy. It's pathetic.

8. She Laughs At Her Own Jokes: Basically that. Couple that with numbers 1 and 2, and you've got an all out assault on the nation's ears.

9. Her "Talent": Can someone please tell the woman that carrying 15 items from the pantry to the cutting board is NOT a talent. It's a stupid way of tricking us to think that she's getting shit done faster.

10. Garbage Bowl: Incredibly wasteful. Also, see #3.

11. Pet Food: She teaches how to make dishes for your diabetic, overweight pets. Personally some of the stuff she makes I wouldn't serve to a dog.

12. Tag Line: Yum-O is not a tag line or a catchphrase. It's stupid. Stop putting it on t-shirts.

13. Eating Noises: Someone forwarded a video from YouTube.com of Rachael Ray making eating noises. It was 3 minutes long. I threw up in my mouth a little at 1 minute 23 seconds.

14. Oprah: Because of Oprah, now this woman has her own freaking show.

What The Heck?

Ok, I'm flipping through the channels and I see my friend Oprah.

Normally I wouldn't stop, but today she's interviewing a Muslim woman. Interesting enough.

This woman is talking about her faith and the similarities to Christianity.

Then Oprah asks,

"Do Muslims believe in God?"


WTF? Are you kidding? Do you believe in God???

What the heck?

Argh.

Why I Dislike Oprah, Pt. 2

Ok, so I know I make enemies with my statements about Oprah, but seriously this woman is irritating me.

I can appreciate that she wants to unload her ridiculous amount of cash. Very admirable, since no one, and I mean no one, can ever deserve to make $1.5 billion dollars.

I can even appreciate that she sees a need in South Africa, you'd have to be blind and an idiot not to.

However, Oprah's gift tends to leave a bad taste in my mouth. Why is that? She's given $40 million dollars to create this school for girls, undeniably the most vulnerable population in Africa. To create true equality and to end the evergrowing AIDS epidemic gender inequality is the issue that holds this goal back.

Yet still, Oprah's "gift" makes me want to wash myself everytime I hear about it.

So let's break it down, shall we?

1. Selection Process: Let's start with the way Oprah chose the young girls who are going to her school. She picked the best and the brightest, the ones who were able to perform. The young girls who were living in the worst poverty, with the most violence or with the least bit of advantage were not chosen. Oprah (and presumably her team of experts) got to choose the smartest girls (with probably the best stories) to do what? Should I even type it? To make the best episode of "The Oprah Winfrey Show". This playing God with these girls lives is a bit distasteful.

2. Re-colonization: Alright, this is an annoying item that seems to be happening on a daily basis in Africa now. One of the biggest problems with African state independence was that the countries that had so brutally colonized them in the past picked up and ran (not walked) back to Europe. They left Africa as a collection of countries who hadn't governed themselves in centuries. As a result, leaders like Amin, Mugabe and Kadaffi emerged. Now, the logical response would be that Africa has to learn how to govern themselves (with a hand up, not a hand out from the countries that destroyed their infrastructure). However, in today's messed up world of "saving" poor little Africans we seem to see to be re-colonizing them. African countries need to be providing health care, education and housing to their own. How do we do that? Well, it's not with rich Westerners coming in like a knight on a horse and telling poor Africans what they need. This drives me crazy. Having people with money do what they want in countries that are experiencing such severe poverty that they have lost their voice does not empower them. I don't disagree that these students should be going to school, but I do disagree with how people (namely, Oprah) go about doing this.

3. What about American high schools, Oprah?: Alright, so Oprah was recently asked why not give cash (in addition to) to schools in America. Her answer? Students are more interested in owning sneakers and iPods than getting a quality education. Um. Ok. Right, superficial desires cloud the minds of your nation's youth. Absolutely. They have unrealistic expectations of what they need, what they deserve, what is necessary. There is an increasing sense of entitlement and selfish- Oh, wait, hey Oprah, when's your "Favourite Things" episode airing again? What's that? Next Fall? Ok. Where was I? Right, selfishness and arrogance- wait a second, hey Oprah, when are you going to give away "free" cars to needy people in an attempt to turn your entire show into a commerical for GM again? Uh huh, ok. Where was I again? Oh yes! How dare the youth of America feel like they deserve extravagant luxury, where would they get an idea like that? Ridiculous.

4. The Oprah Winfrey Academy: Ok, she named the freaking school after herself. I understand that $40 million is a lot of money, but how does this empower the community? How does this allow the community to take responsibility of the school? What's that Oprah? Better ratings, you say?

5. Are the makeovers necessary?: Alright, I can appreciate the dorms, the indoor plumbing, the gym and labs. But what's the connection between all of this and including a beauty parlour in your school? What the hell?

6. A star studded premiere: Why was Mariah Carey at the opening? To inject her dosage of crazy into the school? To scare the children? Please someone explain to me, without fawning over Winfrey like she's the second coming.

7. Oprah Fear: Oprah fear is running rampant. Apparently if you give away a small portion of your fortune (that you will surely make back with all the advertising and the funds you make from selling your soul) and mention at any available point that Maya Angelou is your close friend no one will look at you objectively. What the hell is this about? If you're going to have over 1 billion dollars you're going to have to be a bit responsible with how you spend that money.

I feel better now.

She's Trying To Redeem Herself

Yes, Oprah "The Saint" Winfrey is speaking out on behalf of Holocaust Education.

Anyone speaking out about this topic is important...let's just hope that Holocaust Education doesn't become the next celebrity fad in "What To Endorse For My Own Purposes Weekly".

We all remember what happened after Live 8...African debt miraculously cleared! Right? I only expect that this happened because no more celebrity are touting debt relief. That must mean that they were successful.

Right?

Reasons Why I Dislike Oprah

1. The Interrupter: Has anyone noticed that when Oprah asks a question, she answers it? See her interview herself in the presence of movie stars...

2. Mama Oprah: Oprah as the Second Coming in Africa is another thing that ticks me off. I can appreciate her donating her millions (very responsible), however I somehow get a sleazy feeling when she uses her show as a platform to demonstrate her generosity. There is the argument that she is doing this to show off a cause, or model responsible billionaire behaviour, but I somehow feel as though her attempts are insulting to my intelligence. How is it that children in rural Angola know who Oprah is? Why is it they run towards her? And if they don't run towards her and cry in her arms, why do we feel as though they are being ungrateful? Something about her aid work leaves me feel as though she wants to be sainted...

3. The Homophobe: In an attempt to appeal to the demeanour of middle America and the ever important soccer mom contigent Oprah explains away homosexuality in a manner that makes everyone love her (except those with brains). So she can say it's nature for those who are know homosexuality is something you are born as, and that it's part CHOICE, for those who are homo-prejudice. Does she really subscribe to this? I have no idea, but the mere fact that she believes that homosexuality is a duality of nature and nuture leaves me to believe that her desire to be loved by all has completely consumed her.

4. Rachael Ray: Why? Why? Why does this woman now have her own show? Why couldn't Oprah leave well enough alone. Yes, she does have a few good ideas, but let's not go over board. Look for a future post about why I dislike her.

5. The Superior Friendship: I can appreciate that Oprah has a long last friendship with Gail King, that's great, fabulous, everyone needs a BFF. But I resent the implication that Oprah and Gail's friendship is superior to any other relationship. It's incredibly irritating when I have to hear about how no one can ever have as close a relationship as she and Gail...believe it or not there are other women who are close with their friends. I refuse to worship your ability to be a best friend.

6. The Hour Long Commercial: I know that a talk show is a medium for people to promote their projects to earn money. Sometimes these projects are themselves (which is the only reason there is to explain why the Hilton sisters were on her show). But I draw the line at the "Favourite Things" episodes she has. Not only does she have an entire show that is one big commerical for useless gadgets, the materialism is so palpable that every time she does one of these shows you can hear viewers at home salivate over chocolate covered cookies and cashmere slippers.

7. The Oprah Audience: I hate them. I blame her. I heard one audience member say that going to the Oprah show is a religious experience. I don't know how to react to that. As well, they seem to be on some sort of upper when they're in the audience. The jump, scream, turn around and act like complete morons. It's ridiculous, and whenever I see these audience members I have the distinct desire to slap them silly and tell them to calm down.

8. Dr. Phil: Thank you, Oprah for inflicting this bully on the rest of the world. It's nice to know that we can be humiliated by the good Doctor with only a small email to his show. I appreciate his mask of "therapy in your hometown" at the end of every segment. Those bills must be getting extreme, eh? I appreciate getting dieting advice from a man who doesn't exactly follow them himself, very motivating.

9. Nobel Prize Accessory: Has anyone else notice Oprah's constant appearance at the Nobel Prize Ceremony? WTF? Why is it that every winner is given the trophy, the money and a photo op with Oprah? That's crap. Her hanging-on is annoying, especially with those who do actual good work. Wangari Maathai looked like she wanted to club the woman.

10. Cover Girl: Guess whose on the cover of the O Magazine this month? Last month? Next month? Yeah, Oprah. We get it, you have a magazine. Fantastic, please let's move on.

11. Presidential Candidate: If Oprah ever actually runs for president and wins, I will go insane. What's with the belief that she is the freakin' next best thing to JFK? COME ON. She knows how to get people to like her. That's her major talent. That's all, no political science, no economics...she'd be taking Kim Jong Il to the day spa for treatments while negotiating Middle East peace by her latest book club selection ("Edward Said is a god!!"). Meanwhile she'd send every household in America brand new towels because they: "Make you feel like a brand new woman!".

12. Angel Street: A few months ago I caught the tail end of an episode of Oprah when she built a street in Houston for Katrina Hurricane survivors. Now I can appreciate that she's helping out folks who have lost everything because of a few dumbasses in their nations' capital, but again, I got a creepy feeling from watching the show. Again the subtext of: Oprah is a saint, rather than these people are resiliant and strong was the message I was getting. Sigh.

Alright, maybe some of my reasons to dislike this woman are ridiculous, but these are my reasons. But the bottom line is, Oprah has a ton of cash and she didn't make it being a beautiful soul. The reason we watched her in the eighties and early nineties was because she was the queen of daytime sleeze. Now, with her newfound inner peace at a very calculated time, I dry heave.