This Bites

Ok, so apparently I don't know how to embed YouTube.com videos into my blog yet.

I blame YouTube.

In it's place, check out our nifty postcard.

Look What I Can Do!

Yippee! I can embed YouTube.com videos into my little blog!

I'm getting quite savvy.

My first entry is a parody video of my nemesis, Rachael Ray.

Here are a few reasons I dislike her:

1. Volume: Does this woman have any other volume than off or foghorn level? Seriously, she's way too loud. Her and Ty Pennington should get together and have shouting contests.

2. Intonation: I know voice probably doesn't merit two reasons, but seriously this woman sounds like a strangled goose.

3. Abbreviations: I have not made my dislike of Rachael Ray's abbreviations secret. She calls sandwiches 'sammies'. Who does that? When she says GB I want to throw garbage at her. And stoup has to be the stupidest thing I ever heard of. A stoup being "a cross between a stew and a soup". Stop it! And the most hated: EVOO. Don't know what that means? Don't worry, Rachael will fill you in, Extra Virgin Olive Oil. Tell me, Rachael, what's the point of using an abbreviation if you're going to say what the abbreviation means right afterwards?! You're ridiculous!

4. Herbs: Ok, please stop telling me to wash my herbs and put them in plastic bags when I get home from the store. Normal people don't have time for that shit.

5. 30 Minutes in Rachael Ray World = 45 Minutes In The Real World: Her meals are NOT 30 minute meals. That's a lie.

6. Dessert: Rachael readily admits that she's no baker. Yeah, thanks for the head's up. I think we understood that when we saw you make the 'melted ice cream sauce'. Seriously.

7. Recipe Titles: "You Won't Be Single For Long Vodka Cream Pasta". That's not clever. Or catchy. It's pathetic.

8. She Laughs At Her Own Jokes: Basically that. Couple that with numbers 1 and 2, and you've got an all out assault on the nation's ears.

9. Her "Talent": Can someone please tell the woman that carrying 15 items from the pantry to the cutting board is NOT a talent. It's a stupid way of tricking us to think that she's getting shit done faster.

10. Garbage Bowl: Incredibly wasteful. Also, see #3.

11. Pet Food: She teaches how to make dishes for your diabetic, overweight pets. Personally some of the stuff she makes I wouldn't serve to a dog.

12. Tag Line: Yum-O is not a tag line or a catchphrase. It's stupid. Stop putting it on t-shirts.

13. Eating Noises: Someone forwarded a video from YouTube.com of Rachael Ray making eating noises. It was 3 minutes long. I threw up in my mouth a little at 1 minute 23 seconds.

14. Oprah: Because of Oprah, now this woman has her own freaking show.

8 DAYS TO GO!

FACT #3

Jon Stewart's production company is called "Busboy Productions". It's named for Stewart's previous job as, you got it, a busboy.

It's tag sound is a glass being broken followed by "Oops, sorry."

Respondents Welcome On Vicarious Traveller!

Guess what? I finally took some time to look around my blogger and now I removed settings for comments on my blog.

So now anyone can leave a comment on my beautiful blog.

So now if I don't get comments I'll look like a big dork.

And coupled with the counter I just put on my blog I'm seriously looking desperate.

I Can Count

Kk, I put a counter on the old blog...sigh.

Enjoy!

9 DAYS TO GO!!

FACT #2

Jon Stewart can bring down cable news by calling Tucker Carlson a dick.

If you haven't seen this yet, check it out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vmj6JADOZ-8

Spelling Bee Napoleon Reciter

Through the magic of YouTube.com I accidently found a clip of the boy from South Carolina befuddling the Spelling Bee people when he quoted a Napoleon Dynamite line before spelling chinook.

Soo funny. The fam and I caught this by chance when watching the epitomy of stage moms and dads, the National Spelling Bee.

Check it out!

11 DAYS TO GO!

As some of you may or may not know, in 11 short days I will be seeing one of my heroes (along with Stephen Lewis and my mom), Jon Stewart LIVE in concert.

I hope you're all as excited as I am.

In commemeration for this amazing event I will be counting down the days with some very interesting Jon Stewart knowledge so that you're all informed when I go to see him at the Niagara Casinorama.

Fact #1

Did you know that Jon Stewart's original last name is Leibowitz? But do you know why he changed it to his middle name, Stewart (by the way, his middle name was spelt Stuart)? Contrary to popular opinion, he didn't change it because it was too Hollywood (by the way, this reason Stewart gave was in reference to a Lenny Bruce joke). The real reason Stewart changed his last name, along with his wife was because of a troubled relationship with his father, a physicist, left his mother, brother and him when he was 9 years old.

And there you go.

"On an average day 7 minutes of news happens. Yet there are currently 3 full-time, 24-hour news networks."

~Jon Stewart

Whose More Adorable?

Little Rachel woke up in time to attack Maggie when she came home from the Muskokas after I picked her up from the bus station.

I tried to get rid of her red eyes, but I'm still getting the hang of Picasa.

Rachel kept asking what Maggie's name was...I don't think she was too sure about the new hair.

She did give me a hug, if only to say to me, "Thanks Jessie, for bringing Maggie home."

Whatever.

Hi!

Miss me? Here's what I've been doing!

Something I Don't Expect To See In Detroit...

A game of cricket.

Something I Would Expect To See In Detroit

A jail, downtown.

After the Rosemary Attack

I'm squinting, not smiling, from the pain.

Ok, it didn't really hurt, it was just a little prickly.

I Smell Like A Leg of Lamb

Right after I took this picture some vile woman hit me with a rosemary bush.

Pretty!

Too bad we couldn't take any across the border!

Mmmm

Mouth watering...If it weren't for the incredibly horrible karaoke next to it, this would be perfect. Luckily, a picture is worth a thousand words, not musical notes.

Detroit's Eastern Market!

Very cool market, I never knew was here...

Just walk through the chicken's...um...breasts...

The Best Travelling Companions!

They're great. I love 'em.

Lots 'o fun.

Our Teeny-Tiny Cabin

Here's how we travelled from Halifax to Montreal. Our cabin. Annie and I shared. Here's a transcript of Annie climbing the ladder to get to the top bunk.

Scene: Tiny train cabin, it's dark, lights are off, Jessie is in bottom bunk.

Jessie: 'Night Anne.

Anne: 'Night.

Annie grips ladder.

[Bang!]

Annie: Ow!

[Crashing, metal pinging]

Annie: Gah! Oh...Ugh...

[Bang!]

Annie: Argh...Ugh...Gugggg.....

[Bang! Crash!]

Jessie: Need some help?

Tee Hee.

I believe this is a good metaphor for our family dynamics.

Maggie loves to tease uncontrollably and hamming it up for a camera, Annie hates, well, a lot at the moment.

My Sisters.

Nice. This is how they walk downtown Halifax.

What's That Stain On Your Jacket, Annie?

It looks like bird poop.

Um...question...

Should someone let the people of Peggy's Cove in on the fact that it's May? I froze my ass off looking at their lighthouse.

White Knuckle Squeeze

Annie is freezing. We're waiting for Dad to stop taking pictures of the damn sunset.

Awaiting Her Gentlemen Callers

At the creepy B & B.

Are There Storm Waves? Wolverine Waves?

How can a wave be rogue? I know they can be dangerous, but it's the trajectory of a wave pretty self explanatory?

A wave, waves over, right?

Strange place.

It's Windy!

Nice. Taken at some lighthouse in Yarmouth, Nova Scotia.

She Sees A Seal...Maybe.

Taken in Digby, Nova Scotia where, apparently, there are absolutely no homosexuals.

Something Really Old Sitting On Something Really Old

Dad perched on one the first mill stones ever to be brought to the New World.

Ohh.

I wonder if they have a small pox infected blanket on display somewhere.

CHUG!

LOVE IT!

What The Hell Is That Smell?

Lobster caracasses? Seaweed? Rotting flesh?

Who the funk knows, but it was smelly in Halls Harbour.

Ahhh...

Ohhh

Seriously will never understand the Bay of Fundy. They should call it the Bay of Weird-y.

Very Rare.

Dad peeked out from behind his camera to pose awkwardly with his youngest.

Where The Hell Is The WATER?!

I sooo don't get the whole tide in, tide out thing. Tide is something I put in the washing machine.

Phew.

Water is back! Yippee!

POTATO!

Um. Yeah, potatoes.

Watch Out...She's Got A Camera And Kind Of Knows How To Use It

Grandma took this picture!

We kind of don't have tops to our heads, but we know they're there, so that's all that matters.

At least this was before the dancing.

I will never be able to listen to Three Dog Night's "Joy To The World" without giggling.

What's that on my dad's face?

This was what Dad did for the majority of the trip.

He was the Rodger family papparazzi.

He's very stealth.

Wanna find him? Just listen for the click, click, click, click.

Getting Her Drink On

I had no idea that Annie liked Whiskey Sours.

It's very sour.

You go girl.

We were off to a great start...

This is me on my birthday.

Why the long face?

The mean airport security made me throw out my full bottle of Aveda Curly De-Frizz because, apparently, they have something against those of us who are hair sensitive.

Screw you Ministry of Aviation.

You owe me $40. I don't care what the rules are. It was my fricking birthday.

Arse-holes.

Maggie's Baggage (The Literal Kind)

Maggie is crazy.

She was over packed. By a lot. Luckily, the VIA Rail people were very nice and let her box up her excess baggage.

We thought we would find it in London. Little did we know, we had to pick it up in Montreal, then in Toronto.

Look, Anne! Ireland!

I love my sister. She's very smart, very sweet and incredibly funny.

She thought she could see Ireland from Nova Scotia.

I don't care who you are, that place was creep.

OK, here's the bed and breakfast we stayed at in Yarmouth (it's spelt Yar-mouth, not Yar-mit).

It was very nice. But incredibly creepy. It was like staying in someones house. Oh yeah, that's because it was someone's house.

The people were very nice, very good food, very beautiful house (minus the creepy dolls everywhere).

And I'm all for supporting local economies. But seriously. I did not like it.

Sigh.

Peace Train...

I'm so proud of my little sister...fight the revolution!

Watch out...he's armed and dangerous!

This is my Papa at Fort Anne. For those of you who don't know Fort Anne is built in a valley. The hills were no match for Papa.

It was my birthday!

Ok, it's official. I'm old. And I love it.

I turned 25 on the 11th and had, what can only be described as a unique birthday (no complaints...yet).

I got a nifty new digital camera.

That's me, and in the corner is the light house on Peggy's Cove. You can't tell, because I'm so tough, but I'm freezing my ass off.

SHE GRADUATED! W00T!

Yea! Maggie graduated last weekend and it was FANTASTIC! She got a medal and everything.

The Landlord

Alright, Will Ferrell has made, quite possibly the funniest short video I've seen in a while.

Yes, it is a tad inappropriate, I'm wondering if Child Protection Services has been called yet.

However, I guarantee that if you watch this video, you will be rolling on the floor.

Literally. It crazy funny.

And you should all bear in mind that Annie was the one that introduced this to me. She's the worst influence.

Trees Do Too Much Work With Breezes

Sorry, Annie.

Remember when we raked the backyard last week and gathered up every freaking pine cone from that stupid fricking tree that Dad should have cut down?

Well, it seems the tree was laughing at us, because when I came back from Sarnia it had crapped all over the backyard.

Pinecones everywhere.

I hate trees.

And that's not even because Oprah said she loved them.

This Is Why She Is A Goddess...

Ok, this is why I L-O-V-E Alanis Morissette.

Check out her rendition of the ridiculous Black Eyed Peas song, "My Humps".

She brings a certain sophistication.

But to truly understand the genius of this cover, you must see the original FIRST:

Lamp Shade Dad

BHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Have A Happy Period? Screw You Always.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years,and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core orDri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach intight, white shorts.

But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings; kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi-pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse?" I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what some call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers'monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behaviour. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles in the George Foreman Grill because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that Canada is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."

Are you kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walmart armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending BS.

And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

It's So Clear Now

The two people in this picture are Jack Black and Kyle Gass. They make up the rock/comedy band, Tenacious D...I highly recommend.

I recommend even more highly now that my uncle educated me this weekend about the hand movement that Kyle is doing in the photo above.

Apparently this move was trademarked by Ronnie James Dio, they teeny tiny man I saw on Saturday night (more on that to come).

But the most exciting thing about finding out who this "Dio" is (according to the random people driving in 1992 Chevys, he "fucking rocks") understanding the song I've been confused about by Tenacious D for months...called "Dio".

Now I understand...

DIO

By Tenacious D

Dio has rocked for a long, long time, Now it's time for him to pass the torch. He has songs of wildebeests and angels,

He has soared on the wings of a demon.

It's time to pass the torch, You're too old to rock, no more rockin' for you.

We're takin' you to a home, But we will sing a song about you.

And we will make sure that you're very well taken care of.

You'll tell us secrets that you've learned.

Raow! Your sauce will mix with ours, And we'll make a good goulash baby.

Dio, time to go! You must give your cape and scepter to me.

And a smaller one for KG.

Go! Go! Dio! Dio!

A Public Service

This Is Ronnie James Dio, for those of you who didn't know.

And he's ancient. And tiny.

And now that I know that he is the singer who replaced Ozzy Osborne for Black Sabbath so much makes sense...stay tuned.